Gratitude and Reflections, My 28 Years

So today is my birthday. Rather than ramble on about some topic or another, I'd like to take the time to express my feelings about my time here on this wonderful planet surrounded by so many wonderful people, places, things, and experiences. As you can tell, this is probably going to be a sappy post, but that's fine. You don't have to read it!! Or you can, that's fine too.

So, as the title states, I'm 28 as of today. For years now, I've given little concern to age and the whole getting older thing. I keep trying to stay filled with child-like wonderment, because that's just more fun. And I have completely accepted the attitude that age is simply a number indicating that you haven't died yet, so really it's a positive thing, not a countdown. It helps when you're planning on living to 300 as well, which I of course will do, because it just illustrates how much time I really have left to do great things. Previously, birthdays were the times I looked back and judged what I did or didn't do correctly. I've stopped that. Today is a day to be appreciative for the experience, for the good and great things, not a time to look back and piss and moan over my failings. Because there are no true failures so long as you're willing to keep trying, keep striving to do and be better...which I am doing.

I started my celebratory activities the way I always do, I stay up to 1:44 am, my actual birth time, and attempt to see my meteor shower. Every year, the Earth passes through a dust cloud that provides the Geminid meteor shower, my very own celestial heraldry of my birth. This year, oddly enough, there is reported to be a second, new meteor shower, link here: Meteor Shower! At the moment the clock rolls over, I quietly pray my thankfulness to Whoever might be listening, and re-new my promise to keep trying to do better, to do right, and to reiterate my overall appreciation for the last year and everything I experienced. Then I wait for the inevitably phone call from my mother, because I know she's going to wake up from a dead sleep to call me. Last night was a text, which is fine, I know how busy she is.

Last week, the Blood Center contacted me trying to get me in for a donation, and today was the first available day I had for them, so I went and did just that. Apparently a lot of people donate on their birthdays; like, that's a thing. I just might make that a tradition for me as well. Afterwards, with everyone in school or working, I didn't have anything planned. Thankfully, my sister, who works nights, called and offered to take me out for lunch, which I happily accepted. Free food, right? When we were done, we got some stuff for hanging out later with my family, took the dog for a walk, and now I'm just sitting, taking in the day and the last year.

A lot happened this year, nothing I will waste time going into detail of, but suffice it to say that it was eventful. I don't look back and see wasted or missed opportunities, I see happy memories or chances for improvement. What I really appreciate about today is my gazing toward the future, that's what gets me really excited. I understand New Years, maybe not the need to get hammered in order to celebrate an artificial calendar reset, but the idea of putting a pin in something and saying "Ok, time for the next one!" I do that more with my birthday though, as its significance is just a little grander and more personal for me. Obviously, right? Today,  I get excited for what I get to do in the next year, what plans I can try to enact, where I'll get to go, who I'll get to meet, the relationships I'll build, the ones I have that I'll continue to strengthen, that sort of stuff.

I'm of course, on a personal level, very excited for what happens in the next week or so. I know this 2012 stuff isn't a heralding of the end times, but I think that something significant will happen nonetheless, because people believe something will happen. With strong belief can come hope, and from hope we can learn happiness, from happiness we will give and receive love. My first hope for this new year of mine is Ascended Super Powers. Failing to get those, I'll do everything I can as plain old ordinary (but just as wonderful, special, unique and worthwhile!) me to try and make this a better place for everyone, short and long-term (maybe if I behave myself I'll get my Super Powers next year!). I'm going to go enjoy the rest of my day, maybe waste some hours with video games or eat and drink way too many calories. But all the while, I'll appreciate every second!

-M

Growth and the Duality of the Soul

I've had this topic mulling around in my head for a few days now. At present, I'm in too good of a mood to want to write about it, but I'd like to anyway. Also, I'm feeling very drained of energy. Maybe it's because it's dark and grey out, or too quiet here at home. I heard something neat today that said this general lethargy is expected as we near the great shift, our motivation gets sapped because we start losing our connections to the illusory world. I never quite understood calling it an "illusion." Seems pretty real to me, why can't it just be a particular facet of existence, not the whole story but a legitimate part? It doesn't have to be fake, just not the entire story.

Anyway, to the topic. Friday was an interesting day for me. I'd rather break it down piece by piece, rather than give a general big picture and then go back in a dissect. So to start, I had school in the morning, which was fine. I was excited and ready to learn, and I enjoyed nearly the entire 2 hours. Sometime during the second hour, I got a text from a friend asking me a particular question. It was nerd hobby related, but I knew upon reading the question where the conversation would go and where my feelings would be at the end of it. See, the question was about a particular artistic hobby I have that I apply to RPG games, not important but it gives some background. I was being asked where I find the pieces I paint, how I go about it, and I gave the full and complete answer without hesitation, knowing full well I was being left out of what it was for. And that hurt, being excluded from something but asked how to go about it. I forgave the slight without mentioning it, that wasn't hard, I didn't want it to affect a friendship or ruin my day. But I knew that I must address the feelings I knew were there waiting for me, the darkness the hurt gave rise to. So, I told myself to wait until class was over, and then I'd work through it. When it was up, I quietly apologized to existence, said that I'd be stepping out for a few minutes to process some negative emotions that I didn't want to taint my surroundings, bubbled up and shuffled through my iPod for the music I knew would process me right through the feelings from anger to rage to sorrow to sadness to calm to peace to happiness.

Everything went as I suspected it would, I went through each stage or emotion and gave it its due time and appreciation, and then moved on, like I was sitting in a small boat riding down a stream. I got particularly tickled when I started jumping the gun right back to happiness, it seems that I just can't stay upset anymore. It felt like I had cocooned myself up inside a black bubble, but no matter how I tried there was no stopping light from cracking in a filling me back up with love. Which is great, I truly appreciate it. But the thing I wanted to process through, maybe find feedback on sometime, is this:
 We're encouraged to grow and develop in love. Growing implies an increase in size or capacity, and developing usually refers to refining a particular something to make it better. So as we expand our being to incorporate and handle more positive energy, more love, does our soul expand permanently, increasing its capacity for everything? By this, I mean, if we were to lose our love and happiness, would the space be refilled with equal amounts of darkness or negative emotions?
Is this a risk we run when attempting to move forward to our next state of being, we increase our capacity for all things, including negatives? My worry of sorts, or more appropriately my concern, is that as we become more does our responsibility become equally greater?

I've always seen this personal transition as not solely a journey of self-realization, but also something that bore a tremendous amount of weight. I was endeavoring to change myself into something better, but though I would be the primary beneficiary, I still saw the transition as a worthwhile way to help others. A sort of 'this is what I did and how? If you're interested, I can help you do it too' thing. As we change, it is our responsibility to aid others in their attempts to change. With that in mind, I grew a little apprehensive at the ever growing depths of the disdain and malice that can arise in me. And that's what worries me. It feels like my capacity for hate is matching my capacity for love, step for step. Though I exist in love nearly all of the time, I'm worried about where I'd go if that switch was flipped and I could no longer feel love. I know the general idea is a bit irrational, but it remains nonetheless.

I wonder about an enlightened dark person, if such a thing could exist. A being in pure, absolute harmony with its nature, which just happened to totally fear/hatred based. Something that existed perfectly in balance with nothingness or death. If you get the chance, track down the film "Beyond the Black Rainbow." I saw it a few months ago at a film festival with my brother and cousin. In it were all my fears of enlightenment, about how the process once began will run its course to the end, change a person permanently, and not necessarily for the better.About how there are no shortcuts worth taking and that a soul unprepared cannot endure the transition. The old 'stare into the abyss long enough it stares back into you' routine. It raised my concerns that the bad aspects of myself, the blemishes on my soul, won't be wiped away when I move forward but be reinforced or amplified, become more pronounced or harder to overcome.

I've been very hesitant to finish or post this entry, because of fear. Fear or what people may think or say, how I'll be judged. But, as I reflect on it, on this whole post and my apprehension of it, I can feel my doubts slowly melting away. I know, as a flawed being, that I cannot be truly perfect. What speaks most of my character, the strength of my soul, is not the absence of flaws or negative traits, but how I endeavor to overcome them. The desire to do good, even though I'm aware of the alternatives, and the choice to continuously strive to make the right decisions and do the best I can for me and others makes me who I am. This determination, perseverance, light...these are the things I will exemplify, whenever I move forward.

-M

Free Your Ambitious Mind

It's times like these I wish I had a real following, because as much as I use this outlet as a place to vent out my thoughts on various topics, I'd love for it to be a forum for the creation of positive discussion. Ah well, maybe one day.

I've been trying to wrap my head around something new lately and I don't believe I'm doing very well with it. The idea is, as stated in today's title, freeing myself from my ambitious mind. I think I'm struggling with it conceptually as well as practically. How do we free ourselves of ambition and continue to do anything? Does the definition of ambition here carry with it an alternate definition? Well, I guess let's start by looking it up!

am-bi-tious  [am-bish-uhs]
adjective
1. having ambition; eagerly desirous of achieving or obtaining success, power, wealth, a specific goal, etc.
2. showing or caused by ambition.
3. strongly desirous; eager.
4. requiring exceptional effort, ability, etc.

Well, in parts of #1 and all of #3, we can see the negatives created by ambition. Maybe that's the twist my head isn't getting around, that perhaps ambition as a concept has been usurped by more materialistic or impure goals. This one will be particularly difficult for me, and I imagine will continue to be this way, because I simply can't see how you get rid of your goals and not simply turn into a lump on the couch...yet!

Well, let's try and see if we can't get around this. If ambition is the root of our motivation, our desire to obtain X, ambition cannot truly be bad for us, because through our ambition we can further realize our true selves. We frame our being by what we set out to do. So maybe, the error isn't in having ambition, but defining ourselves in the successful pursuit of that ambition? Perhaps our motivations for ambition, the underlying 'why we want what we want' also creates disharmony. I've written on achievement before and about how crucial I feel it is for the human experience. But there, like here, I believe the harm comes not from the act but the intent and value. 

To elaborate, perhaps it is the reasons why we attempt to better ourselves that corrupt our path. If we set out to get a well-paying job in order to have money so that we can make our lives more comfortable, that would be fine. Our being is enhanced by the effort and our lives made better by the fruits of our labor. We only consider what is best for ourselves, and we define what is comfortable, and what we do with that comfort is up to our own discretion. Now, if we set out for the same job in order to have the same money so that we can flaunt our comfortable lifestyle in the faces of others, we've strayed from the path. Now our focus isn't on achieving for the benefits to ourselves, but the benefit to ourselves is viewed in the light of how it grieves someone else. And maybe that's the root of this "Ambitious Mind" that requires freedom from. Ambition is a self-motivated and self-realized beast, sure other people can comment on how accomplished you are or are not, but it should boil down to you. Your ambitions should be your own, and the goals of those ambitions should equally pertain to you.

Each day we need to strive to set out and accomplish what we feel is important to ourselves, and each day we should weigh the success of our endeavors by our own standards, not those imposed by society at large or even close friends and family. Freedom from ambition may actually become freedom from the fear of failure then, and this freedom from fear of failure will allow us greater personal growth. Each day we can look at what was done, not what is left undone or yet to be started. Focus on the steps taken, not on the steps left ahead of us. This fear, this apprehension, attached with ambition, that ambition is something that needs to be proved to and validated by everyone else is what we really need to free ourselves from. There is no true failure to a spirit willing to continue through all opposition, the only failure comes from deciding to give up before we have decided for ourselves that it is the right time to stop.

I think I may be getting a decent grip on this now that I've laid it out in front of me. It's funny how this, like several articles and books I've read, have all started blurring into the same general concept: freedom from fear, live in love. I've also found myself giggling at just how many times I read those same lines in all these different pieces in the voice of Yoda, (Fear is the path to the darkside. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering..) I love Star Wars too, as an aside from this discussion. Just know, while looking up the quote to make sure I got it right, I found this as well:

 "Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship." 

which of course is another matter entirely, but again resonates strongly with the things I believe to be true now. Anyway, it is this fear which pollutes us in a very real sense. Fear leads our bodies to stress, an intangible monster of our own imagination which creates literal, physiological response in our bodies. These stress reactions create a bodily state that is more susceptible to negative thoughts because it alters the very chemical states of our brains and bodies. Each successive stress reaction makes the next one that much more likely, and that much more pronounced. Our bodies begin to swim in these chemicals which keep us in this depressed state. Our bodies wear out, our psyche is strained, we get sick and the cycle further propagates.

Fear is our true enemy here, the root of our problems. Only through Love can we overcome fear, but sadly in this world, in our societies, Love is not the thing it should be. We treat Love as a precious commodity (which it is), something so rare it may never be obtained by some of us (which it is not!!). We attribute Love to being attached to material expression to further cheapen its immense, soulful quality. We are taught that you can only Love so many people in so many specific ways. We are cultured away from Love, but everyday we're reminded of what we should fear. To keep the quote train going: 

"If you're free you'll never see the walls, 

If your head is clear you'll never free fall, 

If you're right you'll never fear the wrong, 

If your head is high you'll never fear at all."  

Exploder by Audioslave

We are taught to limit things: to limit ourselves and our relationships; to limit what we feel and why we feel it. We are taught that the very best thing we can experience, the absolute best of Humanity, Love, is something rare. Love is as omnipresent as the air we breathe, as the water in our bodies. It starts with loving yourself, knowing yourself. Through that we can love and know each other. In this state of being, we no longer have to worry about overcoming ambition, fear, hate, greed, envy, whatever...we'll have already freed ourselves from these things.

-M

P.S. I apologize for the formatting errors throughout, I can't seem to copy and paste into this without it screwing everything up. 

Pre-Holiday Enthusiasm

I know it's a little early to already be looking at Christmas (especially when my birthday's in 3 weeks!), but lights and trees are starting to go up, and it's got me thinking about the month of December and how much I enjoy it. Now, I know there's plenty to not like in December, for instance it's cold. I happen to like the cold, and I hope constantly to have snow for both my birthday and for Christmas. Maybe snow's not your thing, if so I hope you live somewhere warm, because I'm focusing my will on bringing the thunder....err...snowstorm...for both of those days. Maybe you're not a fan of Christmas, I can understand that too, even if I don't share your sentiments. It can be a sort of polarizing holiday, and I think we as a society have very obviously strayed away from the intent. But, honestly, where has this society not strayed away from the original intent?

This post is mostly inspired by the song "Oh Holy Night." I love this Christmas song, it's my hands-down favorite. Why? It makes me cry. It wasn't always the case, I can think of songs I've liked more as a child or young adult, and I remember my pissy adolescent phase when nothing was cool, but now this song is the only reason I'll turn off the iPod and surf the radio waves during December. What does it for, every time, is when the song hits the "Fall on your knees" part. I think I get it now, that pure adoration the song is actually talking about (or what I think I it is), the Love of God made obvious and manifest here on Earth. I won't bother re-posting the lyrics, I trust people to be able to Google search on your own. But now, I don't hear a propaganda song for the Christian faith or some hokey old-timey song, I hear how the Divine, in whatever form you want to believe in It, deliberately sends us inspiration and love and support. You may not always see it, but it's always coming. I think this song reminds me of that; that there can be huge pushes where tons of positive energy descends from upon high and that there's the constant, stead-stream of it flowing through the fabric of this reality. So now, every time I hear that song, I tear up because I can feel that love, I know that love.

I normally have trouble with the whole "on your knees" submission part of anything. I frequently get in discussions with my dad about elements of Catholicism like this; the general idea of submission to the Will of God. I'm a free will sort of guy, I feel that the journey is meaningless without the ability to choose our own adventure. It's like the idea of being forced to do a good deed; if you're forced, was it actually a good deed? Was your soul improved by the undertaking if it wasn't your decision to do good? I touch on this topic a lot, how important self-determination is to me, and I believe to all of us. I have a friend in philosophy who likes to try to rain on every parade he can find that introduced some genetics/neuroscience combination studies which are leaning towards a new school of thought uncovered by experimentation. They're concluding that all of us, from our appearance to our brain chemistry, is pre-determined by our genes.None of this is new, and it's all mostly correct. However! They're beginning to conclude, in essence, that the way we're wired, determined by our genes, given at random from our parents, dictates how we will react to every situation. So, our genes tell us how we will decide, there is no thinking or evaluating choices, we're built to make "X decision" every time "Y choice" is presented. I think that's a load of deterministic horse shit.

Human consciousness seems to be constantly played down and explained away. I've even heard quotes from Steven Hawking implying that we're nothing more than biological robots. Not me sir, not me. I may have a body, a physical form to interact with this environment, but the 'Me' that's most real, (the True Self, Soul, the eternal and never-ending part that inhabits this temporary vessel) is not bound by genetics, the laws of science or society, and will not have my sovereign right to choose taken away from me. But this song, this line about 'falling on your knees' isn't a submission to me, and maybe that's the hiccup I've always had with 'submitting to the Will of God.' Here, the knees part refers to an overwhelmed person, humbly showing his/her appreciation for the miracle they are witnessing. The falling is a relief, an overjoy, not a subservient act. Well, not in my opinion at least. And maybe that's what submitting to the Will of God really is too, giving one's self over to the joy and appreciation, letting that love fill you and letting that be what you reflect: the very best of things.

I still have no desire to tow the line for Earthly organizations, churches, gov'ts, etc...but I'm certainly ok giving myself over to the very best ideals and values of existence. This holiday season, I intend on keeping that as my focus. Christmas has always been a winter festival of warmth and light to me, a time when even in the beginning of the cold season (here in the northern hemisphere) and in the midst of all the hibernating life and darkness, that all this light and warmth is still present and will always come back. This year, I want to be that light and warmth, beaming out to people through the haze of materialism, consumerism and other misguided distractions. This year, maybe instead of giving gifts of things to people (which I'll still do anyway, because it's fun) I'll try my hardest to instead show my unending gratitude for the best gifts I've ever received: existence, love, happiness, companionship. Maybe, in showing that gleeful gratitude, by becoming a Christmas tree of a person, "serenely beaming" (pretty, inviting lights and a fresh pine scent), I can inspire other people to do the same. And maybe this year we can all give the gift of appreciation back to our Source and to each other, and that same overwhelming, knee-buckling joy can be all of ours.

-M

Consciousness Shiftiness

It's been an interesting month since my last post. A lots happened, a giant superstorm (which I'll touch on quickly), the Presidential race and all the tension that comes of that, Halloween parties, homework assignments, transitioning into a new job, etc etc. So I've been justifiably busy for once.

I'm going to ramble today. My mind isn't distracted, but it is sort of pulling in several directions. Thankfully, they're all positive.

The bit on the storm I want to talk about is what I was able to witness, here in Wisconsin, half a country away from the event. I find most of my writing time here at school between classes, and I sit in the same spot I've always sat here in the library: 2nd floor, children's section, right in front of the humongous windows facing east. I can see Lake Michigan from here, as well as get a fantastic view of the surrounding area. I love it. But, on the particular day of Sandy's pre-impact, on that Monday, I could see, from where I was sitting, just how far the clouds of that system reached. I spent the whole of my break starring at the clouds, the high clouds moving north, the low clouds circulating south. This is, of course, very odd since all clouds have a west-to-east progression here. This isn't a big deal, but I was just overwhelmed by what I saw and wanted to comment.

So we keep ticking towards the 12/21/2012 date, and I find myself having to talk about it. I've always, always, always, felt like there was something on the horizon, something big and important, and because of its impending huge mysteriousness I've always felt very comfortable just taking my time and not being too concerned with some things around me. Everything felt temporary I suppose, like no matter what I did or what I built it wouldn't matter eventually because of "X." I don't think the world's going to end in a little over a month. I'm not sure I ever did. But, I am certain that something is going to happen that day. I know I'm opening myself up here to eat a big pile of crow if nothing happens, but I believe that the "thing" will be so subtle as to appear to have not happened. I feel different, and I keep feeling different as time goes on.

I don't feel older or more run down (though I am out of shape, and that needs to be resolved [and it is]),I feel more energized and excited for the future. I'm less scared of things and I'm slowly but surely losing my ability to actually stress about most aspects of life. My outlook keeps improving, my calmness is becoming my pronounced state-of-being, and I can feel my empathy expanding. It's hard to describe the over-whelming sense of happiness I can sustain, on demand, on a regular basis. I feel like all of this is the ramp up I've always been expecting, the transition that was going to have to take place before 'the Big Shift' coming at the end of the year.

Lately though, and this may only be the case for me, but I feel that the more I try to learn, absorb, or create to get me more towards my personal goal of ascension/transcendence/enlightenment/oneness/whatever, the more I feel a separation growing between me and the people around me. It's not the I feel that love diminishes or that I can't understand what they think or feel, but more of a (and this well make me sound conceited or egotistical, which I am, but I have no idea how to phrase it correctly without getting the point across) parent or wizened old adult interacting with children or less wizened persons. I feel like I get it, and they don't get it, yet. But I also feel like I've always been the person who would have to go forward and pave the way for others, so I'm comfortable with the temporary division.

My fears of the loss of attachment are fading away daily, melting like spring-time snow before the great revival of life that comes after winter. Everything, and I mean everything, is starting to feel divine, inspired, like a mechanism that is working exactly as it's supposed to. Looking around, you could say that the world looks bleak and growing more hopeless daily. But that's not what I see anymore; I see the potential to do great things, to make big and positive differences in both small and large scales, to do better and be better and to transition the world towards something better than it ever could have believed possible. Because I feel that the unbelievable is coming, it's unavoidable, and it'll be noticeable.

-M

Trials and Tribulations

I know I haven't written in a long while, but I have a decent excuse. My laptop was stolen in April, and that sort of ruined my ability to put things on the internet from the comfort of my own, private haven of web access. And it sort of put me in a...less than constructively creative place. I was happy with my initial reaction to the situation, calm acceptance of the loss of something material that I didn't really need, and I hoped that whoever took it found it to be useful in achieving whatever they achieved. Then I sat and stewed on it and dealt with insurance companies and, well, I became less positive. Anyway, that's not the direction I wanted to take today.

It's election season again in the United States, and that means all of media is awash with negativity and dishonesty. This isn't something new, but I feel that despite how obviously crazy political issues make us, we've actually done nothing to alleviate the problem. I can't help but feel that politics has been constructed to do just that. There's a difference, in my opinion, between governing and politics. To govern, one attempts to make the best, most correct decision possible by considering all the facts and outcomes, short and long-term. A person who governs is going to be constantly burdened by the responsibility of managing the collective lives of so many, ensuring that all of their rights are maintained and protected from any threat. Politics seems to be a game of squabbling and bickering for trivial matters in order to control the bigger ones. It appears that the end result to someone playing politics is to continue to be relevant in the game, to maintain their political power. It's an exercise in inciting tribal mindsets and fueling unsophisticated, illogical decision making in the people you hope will lease to you their authority in decision making. Because, honestly, if you take our system to what it was meant to be, you and I simply allow someone to represent us in these policy making debates; we grant our sovereign right to choose to someone else to do it for us because we are supposed to be confident in this person's ability to choose the way we would. This is never the case, as most people in power make decisions that will allow them to stay in power. And truly, do we want someone governing us who is more concerned with keeping the job from term to term or do we want someone who will make the best decisions and try to avoid getting re-elected. Do you trust the person who wants power and is willing to do the job more than the person who is capable of doing the job but would prefer not to?

I guess where I'm going with this is...well, here: that we allow ourselves to be too easily consumed by 'the show' and don't focus on 'the substance' of the argument. It's not that I'm not in favor of passionate debate, but that I feel that in a debate, you can't allow yourself to be swept up in the mood being created. You have to stay focused and grounded in your principle beliefs and make decisions calmly. We know that people make rash decisions when placed in excited states, but we disregard this information and carry on repeating the same impassioned mistakes. With each venomous comment we spew at the perceived opposition, we continue to polarize and separate ourselves from one another. And it's here, attempting to exist in this perpetual disunity, that we cannot succeed. People see each other as this thing, or that thing, a fan of this team or a fan of that team, and somehow, in these perceptions and constant categorizing, we lose track of the 'person' that is that person. We lose track of our similarities, our unity. Once we're scattered and feeling on edge because we know there are groups of people out there just waiting to 'get' the group of people we belong to, we fall into a sort of suggestion-able mindset. Because we're so worried about not letting that group out-do our group, we give away our sovereign right to decide to people we don't truly trust because we believe these champions will protect our group from those other groups. We allow these champions to suggest things to us: how to live, what's important, what's not, where to shop, what's in, what we need, what we don't need, etc. We stop being 'me' to better fit into the image of 'we' that is provided for us, and we get so concerned with belonging with these groups we put ourselves in that we lose sight of what's actually important to us.

My hope, and not just for the election season but for...ever I suppose, is that we as a people begin to undo the subtle and insidious manipulations we've endured for our lifetimes. That people start finding the 'me' of themselves more important than the 'we' and begin to develop that identity as the most comfortable one for them. Here, in this place of quite, comfortable confidence in oneself, we can begin to look to at others, but through the paradigm switched question of "how is that person there like me?" Most of all, I'd like a society that practices awareness of its surroundings, one that's not willing to let itself be led along blindly to whatever outcome someone else has chosen for it. A society that observes and thinks critically and contemplates not just the immediate but the long-term, a society that endeavors to build and achieve collectively and individually, instead of one so intent on squandering and consuming without a notion to the consequences. We have it in us to be better, to be great as 'me' and as 'we'. Each of us just has to make that decision, 2012.

-M

The Self-Centered Vs The Self-Interested

Well, I took a few days off and now I've gotten myself back to writing. Had to find some positive, mood-enhancing music to get moving, but I'm moving and my brain's falling into flow, so I think I can make a very strong attempt at making today a very strong, positive day. I said in the last post that I wanted to talk about selfishness and, specifically, how I didn't see it as a unequivocal "bad thing" for people to be. I've given some time and effort over to figuring out how exactly I want to do that, and to be honest I struggled a bit. Still am. I feel the resistance of the Collective Unconscious before even starting, the push back of minds not even presented with my argument. And maybe that's part of the problem. We're all so looked into our ideas of how things are and what they are and how they work and blah blah blah that we're completely hostile to the implication that maybe something we've always frowned on isn't actually something worth frowning at. It's funny that being wrong is easier to be than to admit to being wrong. The "wrong-ness" doesn't change, but owning your own "wrong-ness" in front of others just bums us out so much that we avoid it as often as possible, probably whether we realize it or not. Makes you wonder how we can ever hope to apologize or forgive in a culture unwilling to accept a fault or mistake for what it is. Because how can you learn from something and hope to avoid it if you continue to delude yourself about its very nature? Something to think about, huh? Anyway, not today's point. Selfishness!

In order to start this discussion I think I need to talk about where I got the idea originally. I've always been accused of being selfish and/or self-centered. It bugged me for a long time, but into my mid 20's I took a look at it and heard the criticism people were giving me and came to a conclusion. I really am selfish. It was part of my personality, an integral component of the flawed nature through which I experience existence. Despite thinking heavily about others: their wants, needs, etc., I still acted mostly in accordance with what worked out best for me. I didn't do it out of malice or cruelty, it just sort of happened without much conscious awareness. I did have what I'd consider brief, shining moments where I self-sacrificed for someone else, but on the whole M was concerned with M, and that was that. When I did do things I didn't really want to do, I did it to avoid being hassled. But, looking at that now, the not wanting to be hassled was all about me too. When I was realizing all of this, how evil I was at the core of me, I was ill-prepared to handle the revelation. I was in a poor state emotionally and mentally, and in that environment of confusion I floundered and made no growth or progress towards harmony. Later that same year, I picked up Atlas Shrugged, because I had heard it was just one of those books everyone had to read. So I began that colossal undertaking of a book. I liked it, despite some of the points and details which I didn't quite enjoy, the overall experience was quite amazing. It also proved very pertinent as we were just starting into the economic crisis and I still find myself a bit taken a back with how well that book compares to events occurring today. But that's not the focus of today. Atlas Shrugged was the first time I was presented with the idea that good, worthwhile people can be selfish and it wasn't a bad thing. 

The notion for me was revolutionary. The idea that something like the black mark on my soul of being self-centered could in fact be completely acceptable was liberating. So I explored the idea and embraced the philosophy fully. I think about me first, the rest of you second, and I am not ashamed of that. Now, there are a few short-comings of the way it was presented in the book, for example it assumed that it would work mostly in a situation where everyone was super motivated and worked to their full potential all the time. This meant that no one really helped each other, everyone worked for their own good and since everyone was doing it all at the same time, everyone technically benefited. I'm not sure that's a feasible idea, but it's a good goal to aspire to. All of humanity working to the fullness of their potential, transferring all their energy from that place of inspiration into this place we call existence? Sounds great, something to strive for. Anyway, in my life the philosophy of acknowledged self-interest worked in some peculiar ways. I made no attempt to hide the fact that I wasn't going to do anything socially that didn't interest me, and in response I got to do a lot of things I wanted to do far more often than most people. I justified it easily enough, people wouldn't cater to me if they didn't want me there, so their wants are taken care of.

Eventually I fell in love and had to attempt my new perspective in a new situation. I had to understand what love really is, what it can be, and how it changes your thought processes. To me, love is that thing which motivates you to work towards the good of others. Love makes you want what's best for someone else. However, you still get a lot out of it, not the least most notable, the warm and fuzzy feeling of being happy. But love's a contradiction to my philosophy. How can I be focused purely on self-interest if I'm interested in what's best for someone else, even at my own expense? It's here that I think I made my next, big epiphany. Love, in all its glory and splendor, cannot truly be appreciated by someone who isn't thinking about themselves. Hear me out, I promise it sort of makes sense. No one goes into a (healthy) relationship solely to make someone else happy. Your motivation is never "I want to give that person everything and not even get the satisfaction of enjoying it in the slightest!" That doesn't make any sense. You go into it because you want to. You want to be with that someone, you want to make that someone happy, you want to make them smile, you want to give them all sorts of good things, you want to sleep with them....all of it....for YOU! You are the central figure in all of YOUR thinking. Your consciousness is the first stop on your trip of interacting with existence. Love happens to be the emotion, the value, the intangible, un-quantifiable greatness to life that factors into how you view things that makes you want to think of others just as much as you think of yourself.

But the catch here for me is always the you...or the me, in my case. I labor under the belief that all of this is meaningless without the Self. The Self is the thing that lets us relate to all of this, decides what to place value on and what to enjoy, determines our direction and dreams, the Self makes us ourselves. It's like that old saying that you have to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. I think that may be entirely correct. You'll never find happiness anywhere in life if you're constantly avoiding the things you, yourself, want. You'll never understand love if you can't love the single most important person to your life, you. You have to be the start of all change, the prime motivator in every action you take. At the core of everything, you are you. It's all about you. And I think too many people are afraid to admit that. You can't live your live for someone else, it's not actually possible. In all things experienced, they're all experienced through the Self, the you. We're all beings of Self, I'm not afraid to believe that.

So how, then, do we relate to others you may ask? Through love. Like I mentioned early, love is that thing which allows us to raise the value of other people to near equal heights of ourselves. If you're having difficult with the idea, try this: think of someone/something you love more than anyone else in the world and then try and think of someone/something else that will love your subject as much an in the same particular way as you would. Can another truly treat this object of your affection the same precious way you do? Can it ever be the same? Can that object of your interest ever be truly happy without you?! Let's not get too dramatic. But, as an personal example, I want to have kids some day. I want to have kids because I want to have kids. I already love them, without even knowing them, and I know I will try my hardest, every single fucking day to ensure they continue to have a positive experience with life. But, I want those things. I want to be able to give those things. I want children not for the sake of my children, but for the sake of completing my life, my experience, for the sake of growing my own soul with love. 

So, we're all wicked, selfish people who only want want want for ourselves?! Well, maybe some of us. Here's where I draw the distinction with some clever (or not so clever) word choices: self-centered and self-interested. A Self-centered person only thinks of himself/herself, only wants what's best for himself/herself, and does all of this because of their inability to empathize with other people, to feel a true sense of what love is. A Self-Interested person thinks mostly of herself/himself, wants what's best for herself/himself and those closest to her/him, and understands and empathizes with people in a larger sense due to her/his ability to empathize and having a good handle on what love means and what it can do. I know this comes off a little self-aggrandizing, but I think the distinction really boils down to an inherent ignorance or lack of ignorance. Those ignorant of others will continue to think only of themselves. Those who make strides to truly empathize and understand others remove themselves from that ignorance. Because, despite being creatures of Self, how miserable would it be to be all by ourselves? We're a collection of self-minded beings attempting to coexist in the same space, simultaneously toiling for the good of ourselves and those closest to us. 

The goal, for me at least, is to eventually not be a being of Self, but to be a Self-less being. Selfless is an interesting term when you think about it. We're all inspired to be selfless people because it's such a great thing to be. But look at it, posted down below there. Not bad, but when you get a chance, look up the definitions of "Self" and then "Less." Those two words should not combine to form so glorious an altruistic ideal as "selfless." I don't want to have little or no concern for myself, because without me I have nothing, because if I didn't exist, I would be nothing. I'm an ascension minded person, I've always been intrigued with the idea and am still trying to puzzle ouf my own journey through the needle's eye into a state of higher consciousness and energy. I kept hearing, over and over again, that eventually I'd have to give up the self in order to accomplish that. Believing what I do now about my Self, it certainly seems like a weighty sacrifice, one that would truly en-lighten me. But for now, I'm going to think about myself and the good I want to bring into the world for my own sake before I have to give up entirely those things that matter to me.
Self.less

adjective

having little or no concern for oneself, especially with regard tofame, position, money, etc.; unselfish.

Aspiring to Achieve

I've been wanting to return to the world of public journal writing for some time now. I just haven't provided myself with the time and motivation. I love distractions, their sweet siren song always draws me in and away from doing anything that seems the least bit constructive or productive. And that's what I'd like to focus on today: Achievement. It's a simple thing that I believe we've allowed to be degraded (by way of things like your "video game achievements" which really just state "spent time wasting time") and vilified. Society can be a bit perverse in how we acknowledge achievement. We can casually discount and forget the tremendous amount of effort it takes for a single parent to raise a child, going so far as to imply that it's abusive to raise a child with only one parent. Or we can hand out prestigious awards to people who have good ideas before they even attempt to implement them, and eventually that person turns out to be someone who stands opposed to all the good ideas they claimed to have.

Achievement is one of the supreme values or the human existence, the idea that your thoughts and actions made manifest in this world something of lasting and distinct significance to someone. Usually yourself, but others can also be included in the value assessment of the achievement's worth. To aspire to achieve is to put your Will to work in the direction of effecting change in the world. Though, I believe some aspirations can be focused in negative directions, I'm going to avoid talking about those for the sake of keeping the overall energy of this post positive.

Before I ramble further, I want to touch on Will, and why I insist on capitalizing it in this post. It's not the name of a person in this case, but to show due respect and reverence to the focused energy of human consciousness and decisiveness. I think many of us forget that Free Will, besides being an amazing gift (if that's your belief), also affords us with an astounding level of personal power. This power is not merely over ourselves, our own mental states and the states of our lives and choices and their resulting consequences, but power over other people as well. We choose how we will be, every single moment of every single day. Many people might argue that external factors and circumstances play significant roles in altering or limiting our choices, but ultimately the responsibility of who we will be, moment by moment, in response to every one of our experiences falls to ourselves. And that should be purely empowering and inspiring to all of us, and certainly a huge relief. Because, when it comes down to it, we decide how we want to be. We can choose, all the time, every time, to be happy. Peace over stress and anxiety, love over fear and anger, every time. Will is that exactly that, us imposing ourselves on and in existence. When we stand up and identify "This perspective/consciousness/personality/person/whatever, chooses to think, experience, act, react, and live in this way" we assert the power our "us-ness" into the fabric of reality. We write our own stories in a sense. Our Will is our pen, flowing across paper to bring our ideas forward into permanence, into being.

Achievement, therefore, is one of the most crucial aspects of the human experience. A life without it, or a life that cannot see where it had achieved, is doomed to feel unfulfilled and invalidated. What's the point of a life of no consequence? There is none. It's like being a rock: present but not moving, not changing, not experiencing, not alive. Now, I do not believe for a second that any life is absent achievement or meaning. All life, by sole virtue of being, is sacred and awe-inspiring (in this author's opinion). But how can those with  a temporarily limited capacity for positive thinking (because we can all change our perspective to one of a positive nature, given time and effort) find achievement for themselves? Simply by changing their perspective, starting small, and having the motivation to be patient with the experience.

As I mentioned earlier, achievement is purely subjective. What one heralds as the greatest thing for mankind since the discovery of fire another would call only the best thing since sliced bread. We have to start in our own perceptions of ourselves and what we do to see what we accomplish. We start small, with something as ordinary as a list of daily chores or errands. All of them, things to accomplish. Once accomplished, we have achieved. And from the most humble of beginnings we find ourselves on the road to something greater. The old adage of having to learn to walk before you can run holds true. Those who desire to do great things must first learn to excel at the little things and to take true pride in those things. Pride has been labeled as a dirty word for far too long. But, being so strongly associated with the Seven Deadly Sins, its no wonder. For too long humankind has fallen victim to problems with group think, and though in some instances it's not necessarily a bad thing, in far too many instances it can be a horrible thing.

Pride is a bad thing if it leads someone to arrogance. But those two things are different states of being. Pride is truly knowing and acknowledging one's strengths, virtues, talents, and whatever other positive things one perceives them-self to have. Arrogance is the belief that one's strengths, virtues, talents and whatever else are better than they truly are and insisting it's that way oneself and to others. All too often pride is associated with negatives, a proud person is stubborn or cannot see their shortcomings. It gets associated with super villains and evil characters from fiction, like when Grand Moff Tarkin refuses to evacuate the Death Star in their "moment of triumph" just as a precaution. But that wasn't pride, that was arrogance. And arrogance is always associated with a disassociation from reality. It's ok to be proud of yourself, of what you can do, of what you have done. No one can tell you otherwise, and if they try then you shouldn't listen. As long as you can say, after honest self-reflection, that what you perceive about yourself is true, have at it. But, if you haven't taken the time to examine, or insist on something that might not be true, you've begun down the slippery slope. And that's the true horror of arrogance, that lack of connection to reality allows for more of the same, disconnected thinking and warped perceptions. Eventually, if you lose sight of who you really are, who will be left to tell you what you want or what will make you fulfilled?

Pride and humility go hand-in-hand, like two sides of the same coin. You must know what you do well to understand that what you do well is not everything. And in knowing that you cannot do everything well, you find humility. You find honesty with yourself, and that's an important thing to have. Strengths and weakness come and go. At one time I could run miles, do the splits, and break boards with the greatest of ease. I'm proud of those facts, but I humbly acknowledge I can't do those things right now. But that does not have to so forever. I can begin the long road of being able to run miles again, practice the splits, and hone my latent black belt-ness right back to the bane of wooden planks' existence.

I know that in my life I'd like to achieve. Though I'd love to get all sorts of accolades and acknowledgement from my fellow human beings, I want to achieve for me and only for me (but I wouldn't mind if other people reaped benefits from my achievement). Though it's a bit of a selfish attitude, I don't believe selfishness is a bad thing (that'll be another post). I feel it's important to do things for your own reasons, because doing things for other people may not yield the net positive you were hoping for. Writing this post today is an achievement for me. I found the time, made use of it, and did something I had wanted to do. Points for me. I can smile and say "I achieved something for myself today, and I'm proud of it." With a little focus and self-discipline, in the next few days I'll write something else, and then I will have achieved a measure of growing consistency with my posts. And thus, from the most humble of goals in the simplest of activities, I'll begin to Will my reality into one akin to a perpetual achievement machine, always moving forward to produce positive outcomes in my existence so that I can find happiness everyday in everything I do.

-M