It's been an interesting month since my last post. A lots happened, a giant superstorm (which I'll touch on quickly), the Presidential race and all the tension that comes of that, Halloween parties, homework assignments, transitioning into a new job, etc etc. So I've been justifiably busy for once.
I'm going to ramble today. My mind isn't distracted, but it is sort of pulling in several directions. Thankfully, they're all positive.
The bit on the storm I want to talk about is what I was able to witness, here in Wisconsin, half a country away from the event. I find most of my writing time here at school between classes, and I sit in the same spot I've always sat here in the library: 2nd floor, children's section, right in front of the humongous windows facing east. I can see Lake Michigan from here, as well as get a fantastic view of the surrounding area. I love it. But, on the particular day of Sandy's pre-impact, on that Monday, I could see, from where I was sitting, just how far the clouds of that system reached. I spent the whole of my break starring at the clouds, the high clouds moving north, the low clouds circulating south. This is, of course, very odd since all clouds have a west-to-east progression here. This isn't a big deal, but I was just overwhelmed by what I saw and wanted to comment.
So we keep ticking towards the 12/21/2012 date, and I find myself having to talk about it. I've always, always, always, felt like there was something on the horizon, something big and important, and because of its impending huge mysteriousness I've always felt very comfortable just taking my time and not being too concerned with some things around me. Everything felt temporary I suppose, like no matter what I did or what I built it wouldn't matter eventually because of "X." I don't think the world's going to end in a little over a month. I'm not sure I ever did. But, I am certain that something is going to happen that day. I know I'm opening myself up here to eat a big pile of crow if nothing happens, but I believe that the "thing" will be so subtle as to appear to have not happened. I feel different, and I keep feeling different as time goes on.
I don't feel older or more run down (though I am out of shape, and that needs to be resolved [and it is]),I feel more energized and excited for the future. I'm less scared of things and I'm slowly but surely losing my ability to actually stress about most aspects of life. My outlook keeps improving, my calmness is becoming my pronounced state-of-being, and I can feel my empathy expanding. It's hard to describe the over-whelming sense of happiness I can sustain, on demand, on a regular basis. I feel like all of this is the ramp up I've always been expecting, the transition that was going to have to take place before 'the Big Shift' coming at the end of the year.
Lately though, and this may only be the case for me, but I feel that the more I try to learn, absorb, or create to get me more towards my personal goal of ascension/transcendence/enlightenment/oneness/whatever, the more I feel a separation growing between me and the people around me. It's not the I feel that love diminishes or that I can't understand what they think or feel, but more of a (and this well make me sound conceited or egotistical, which I am, but I have no idea how to phrase it correctly without getting the point across) parent or wizened old adult interacting with children or less wizened persons. I feel like I get it, and they don't get it, yet. But I also feel like I've always been the person who would have to go forward and pave the way for others, so I'm comfortable with the temporary division.
My fears of the loss of attachment are fading away daily, melting like spring-time snow before the great revival of life that comes after winter. Everything, and I mean everything, is starting to feel divine, inspired, like a mechanism that is working exactly as it's supposed to. Looking around, you could say that the world looks bleak and growing more hopeless daily. But that's not what I see anymore; I see the potential to do great things, to make big and positive differences in both small and large scales, to do better and be better and to transition the world towards something better than it ever could have believed possible. Because I feel that the unbelievable is coming, it's unavoidable, and it'll be noticeable.
-M
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