I've had this topic mulling around in my head for a few days now. At present, I'm in too good of a mood to want to write about it, but I'd like to anyway. Also, I'm feeling very drained of energy. Maybe it's because it's dark and grey out, or too quiet here at home. I heard something neat today that said this general lethargy is expected as we near the great shift, our motivation gets sapped because we start losing our connections to the illusory world. I never quite understood calling it an "illusion." Seems pretty real to me, why can't it just be a particular facet of existence, not the whole story but a legitimate part? It doesn't have to be fake, just not the entire story.
Anyway, to the topic. Friday was an interesting day for me. I'd rather break it down piece by piece, rather than give a general big picture and then go back in a dissect. So to start, I had school in the morning, which was fine. I was excited and ready to learn, and I enjoyed nearly the entire 2 hours. Sometime during the second hour, I got a text from a friend asking me a particular question. It was nerd hobby related, but I knew upon reading the question where the conversation would go and where my feelings would be at the end of it. See, the question was about a particular artistic hobby I have that I apply to RPG games, not important but it gives some background. I was being asked where I find the pieces I paint, how I go about it, and I gave the full and complete answer without hesitation, knowing full well I was being left out of what it was for. And that hurt, being excluded from something but asked how to go about it. I forgave the slight without mentioning it, that wasn't hard, I didn't want it to affect a friendship or ruin my day. But I knew that I must address the feelings I knew were there waiting for me, the darkness the hurt gave rise to. So, I told myself to wait until class was over, and then I'd work through it. When it was up, I quietly apologized to existence, said that I'd be stepping out for a few minutes to process some negative emotions that I didn't want to taint my surroundings, bubbled up and shuffled through my iPod for the music I knew would process me right through the feelings from anger to rage to sorrow to sadness to calm to peace to happiness.
Everything went as I suspected it would, I went through each stage or emotion and gave it its due time and appreciation, and then moved on, like I was sitting in a small boat riding down a stream. I got particularly tickled when I started jumping the gun right back to happiness, it seems that I just can't stay upset anymore. It felt like I had cocooned myself up inside a black bubble, but no matter how I tried there was no stopping light from cracking in a filling me back up with love. Which is great, I truly appreciate it. But the thing I wanted to process through, maybe find feedback on sometime, is this:
We're encouraged to grow and develop in love. Growing implies an increase in size or capacity, and developing usually refers to refining a particular something to make it better. So as we expand our being to incorporate and handle more positive energy, more love, does our soul expand permanently, increasing its capacity for everything? By this, I mean, if we were to lose our love and happiness, would the space be refilled with equal amounts of darkness or negative emotions?
Is this a risk we run when attempting to move forward to our next state of being, we increase our capacity for all things, including negatives? My worry of sorts, or more appropriately my concern, is that as we become more does our responsibility become equally greater?
I've always seen this personal transition as not solely a journey of self-realization, but also something that bore a tremendous amount of weight. I was endeavoring to change myself into something better, but though I would be the primary beneficiary, I still saw the transition as a worthwhile way to help others. A sort of 'this is what I did and how? If you're interested, I can help you do it too' thing. As we change, it is our responsibility to aid others in their attempts to change. With that in mind, I grew a little apprehensive at the ever growing depths of the disdain and malice that can arise in me. And that's what worries me. It feels like my capacity for hate is matching my capacity for love, step for step. Though I exist in love nearly all of the time, I'm worried about where I'd go if that switch was flipped and I could no longer feel love. I know the general idea is a bit irrational, but it remains nonetheless.
I wonder about an enlightened dark person, if such a thing could exist. A being in pure, absolute harmony with its nature, which just happened to totally fear/hatred based. Something that existed perfectly in balance with nothingness or death. If you get the chance, track down the film "Beyond the Black Rainbow." I saw it a few months ago at a film festival with my brother and cousin. In it were all my fears of enlightenment, about how the process once began will run its course to the end, change a person permanently, and not necessarily for the better.About how there are no shortcuts worth taking and that a soul unprepared cannot endure the transition. The old 'stare into the abyss long enough it stares back into you' routine. It raised my concerns that the bad aspects of myself, the blemishes on my soul, won't be wiped away when I move forward but be reinforced or amplified, become more pronounced or harder to overcome.
I've been very hesitant to finish or post this entry, because of fear. Fear or what people may think or say, how I'll be judged. But, as I reflect on it, on this whole post and my apprehension of it, I can feel my doubts slowly melting away. I know, as a flawed being, that I cannot be truly perfect. What speaks most of my character, the strength of my soul, is not the absence of flaws or negative traits, but how I endeavor to overcome them. The desire to do good, even though I'm aware of the alternatives, and the choice to continuously strive to make the right decisions and do the best I can for me and others makes me who I am. This determination, perseverance, light...these are the things I will exemplify, whenever I move forward.
-M
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