So today is my birthday. Rather than ramble on about some topic or another, I'd like to take the time to express my feelings about my time here on this wonderful planet surrounded by so many wonderful people, places, things, and experiences. As you can tell, this is probably going to be a sappy post, but that's fine. You don't have to read it!! Or you can, that's fine too.
So, as the title states, I'm 28 as of today. For years now, I've given little concern to age and the whole getting older thing. I keep trying to stay filled with child-like wonderment, because that's just more fun. And I have completely accepted the attitude that age is simply a number indicating that you haven't died yet, so really it's a positive thing, not a countdown. It helps when you're planning on living to 300 as well, which I of course will do, because it just illustrates how much time I really have left to do great things. Previously, birthdays were the times I looked back and judged what I did or didn't do correctly. I've stopped that. Today is a day to be appreciative for the experience, for the good and great things, not a time to look back and piss and moan over my failings. Because there are no true failures so long as you're willing to keep trying, keep striving to do and be better...which I am doing.
I started my celebratory activities the way I always do, I stay up to 1:44 am, my actual birth time, and attempt to see my meteor shower. Every year, the Earth passes through a dust cloud that provides the Geminid meteor shower, my very own celestial heraldry of my birth. This year, oddly enough, there is reported to be a second, new meteor shower, link here: Meteor Shower! At the moment the clock rolls over, I quietly pray my thankfulness to Whoever might be listening, and re-new my promise to keep trying to do better, to do right, and to reiterate my overall appreciation for the last year and everything I experienced. Then I wait for the inevitably phone call from my mother, because I know she's going to wake up from a dead sleep to call me. Last night was a text, which is fine, I know how busy she is.
Last week, the Blood Center contacted me trying to get me in for a donation, and today was the first available day I had for them, so I went and did just that. Apparently a lot of people donate on their birthdays; like, that's a thing. I just might make that a tradition for me as well. Afterwards, with everyone in school or working, I didn't have anything planned. Thankfully, my sister, who works nights, called and offered to take me out for lunch, which I happily accepted. Free food, right? When we were done, we got some stuff for hanging out later with my family, took the dog for a walk, and now I'm just sitting, taking in the day and the last year.
A lot happened this year, nothing I will waste time going into detail of, but suffice it to say that it was eventful. I don't look back and see wasted or missed opportunities, I see happy memories or chances for improvement. What I really appreciate about today is my gazing toward the future, that's what gets me really excited. I understand New Years, maybe not the need to get hammered in order to celebrate an artificial calendar reset, but the idea of putting a pin in something and saying "Ok, time for the next one!" I do that more with my birthday though, as its significance is just a little grander and more personal for me. Obviously, right? Today, I get excited for what I get to do in the next year, what plans I can try to enact, where I'll get to go, who I'll get to meet, the relationships I'll build, the ones I have that I'll continue to strengthen, that sort of stuff.
I'm of course, on a personal level, very excited for what happens in the next week or so. I know this 2012 stuff isn't a heralding of the end times, but I think that something significant will happen nonetheless, because people believe something will happen. With strong belief can come hope, and from hope we can learn happiness, from happiness we will give and receive love. My first hope for this new year of mine is Ascended Super Powers. Failing to get those, I'll do everything I can as plain old ordinary (but just as wonderful, special, unique and worthwhile!) me to try and make this a better place for everyone, short and long-term (maybe if I behave myself I'll get my Super Powers next year!). I'm going to go enjoy the rest of my day, maybe waste some hours with video games or eat and drink way too many calories. But all the while, I'll appreciate every second!
-M
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Growth and the Duality of the Soul
I've had this topic mulling around in my head for a few days now. At present, I'm in too good of a mood to want to write about it, but I'd like to anyway. Also, I'm feeling very drained of energy. Maybe it's because it's dark and grey out, or too quiet here at home. I heard something neat today that said this general lethargy is expected as we near the great shift, our motivation gets sapped because we start losing our connections to the illusory world. I never quite understood calling it an "illusion." Seems pretty real to me, why can't it just be a particular facet of existence, not the whole story but a legitimate part? It doesn't have to be fake, just not the entire story.
Anyway, to the topic. Friday was an interesting day for me. I'd rather break it down piece by piece, rather than give a general big picture and then go back in a dissect. So to start, I had school in the morning, which was fine. I was excited and ready to learn, and I enjoyed nearly the entire 2 hours. Sometime during the second hour, I got a text from a friend asking me a particular question. It was nerd hobby related, but I knew upon reading the question where the conversation would go and where my feelings would be at the end of it. See, the question was about a particular artistic hobby I have that I apply to RPG games, not important but it gives some background. I was being asked where I find the pieces I paint, how I go about it, and I gave the full and complete answer without hesitation, knowing full well I was being left out of what it was for. And that hurt, being excluded from something but asked how to go about it. I forgave the slight without mentioning it, that wasn't hard, I didn't want it to affect a friendship or ruin my day. But I knew that I must address the feelings I knew were there waiting for me, the darkness the hurt gave rise to. So, I told myself to wait until class was over, and then I'd work through it. When it was up, I quietly apologized to existence, said that I'd be stepping out for a few minutes to process some negative emotions that I didn't want to taint my surroundings, bubbled up and shuffled through my iPod for the music I knew would process me right through the feelings from anger to rage to sorrow to sadness to calm to peace to happiness.
Everything went as I suspected it would, I went through each stage or emotion and gave it its due time and appreciation, and then moved on, like I was sitting in a small boat riding down a stream. I got particularly tickled when I started jumping the gun right back to happiness, it seems that I just can't stay upset anymore. It felt like I had cocooned myself up inside a black bubble, but no matter how I tried there was no stopping light from cracking in a filling me back up with love. Which is great, I truly appreciate it. But the thing I wanted to process through, maybe find feedback on sometime, is this:
We're encouraged to grow and develop in love. Growing implies an increase in size or capacity, and developing usually refers to refining a particular something to make it better. So as we expand our being to incorporate and handle more positive energy, more love, does our soul expand permanently, increasing its capacity for everything? By this, I mean, if we were to lose our love and happiness, would the space be refilled with equal amounts of darkness or negative emotions?
Is this a risk we run when attempting to move forward to our next state of being, we increase our capacity for all things, including negatives? My worry of sorts, or more appropriately my concern, is that as we become more does our responsibility become equally greater?
I've always seen this personal transition as not solely a journey of self-realization, but also something that bore a tremendous amount of weight. I was endeavoring to change myself into something better, but though I would be the primary beneficiary, I still saw the transition as a worthwhile way to help others. A sort of 'this is what I did and how? If you're interested, I can help you do it too' thing. As we change, it is our responsibility to aid others in their attempts to change. With that in mind, I grew a little apprehensive at the ever growing depths of the disdain and malice that can arise in me. And that's what worries me. It feels like my capacity for hate is matching my capacity for love, step for step. Though I exist in love nearly all of the time, I'm worried about where I'd go if that switch was flipped and I could no longer feel love. I know the general idea is a bit irrational, but it remains nonetheless.
I wonder about an enlightened dark person, if such a thing could exist. A being in pure, absolute harmony with its nature, which just happened to totally fear/hatred based. Something that existed perfectly in balance with nothingness or death. If you get the chance, track down the film "Beyond the Black Rainbow." I saw it a few months ago at a film festival with my brother and cousin. In it were all my fears of enlightenment, about how the process once began will run its course to the end, change a person permanently, and not necessarily for the better.About how there are no shortcuts worth taking and that a soul unprepared cannot endure the transition. The old 'stare into the abyss long enough it stares back into you' routine. It raised my concerns that the bad aspects of myself, the blemishes on my soul, won't be wiped away when I move forward but be reinforced or amplified, become more pronounced or harder to overcome.
I've been very hesitant to finish or post this entry, because of fear. Fear or what people may think or say, how I'll be judged. But, as I reflect on it, on this whole post and my apprehension of it, I can feel my doubts slowly melting away. I know, as a flawed being, that I cannot be truly perfect. What speaks most of my character, the strength of my soul, is not the absence of flaws or negative traits, but how I endeavor to overcome them. The desire to do good, even though I'm aware of the alternatives, and the choice to continuously strive to make the right decisions and do the best I can for me and others makes me who I am. This determination, perseverance, light...these are the things I will exemplify, whenever I move forward.
-M
Anyway, to the topic. Friday was an interesting day for me. I'd rather break it down piece by piece, rather than give a general big picture and then go back in a dissect. So to start, I had school in the morning, which was fine. I was excited and ready to learn, and I enjoyed nearly the entire 2 hours. Sometime during the second hour, I got a text from a friend asking me a particular question. It was nerd hobby related, but I knew upon reading the question where the conversation would go and where my feelings would be at the end of it. See, the question was about a particular artistic hobby I have that I apply to RPG games, not important but it gives some background. I was being asked where I find the pieces I paint, how I go about it, and I gave the full and complete answer without hesitation, knowing full well I was being left out of what it was for. And that hurt, being excluded from something but asked how to go about it. I forgave the slight without mentioning it, that wasn't hard, I didn't want it to affect a friendship or ruin my day. But I knew that I must address the feelings I knew were there waiting for me, the darkness the hurt gave rise to. So, I told myself to wait until class was over, and then I'd work through it. When it was up, I quietly apologized to existence, said that I'd be stepping out for a few minutes to process some negative emotions that I didn't want to taint my surroundings, bubbled up and shuffled through my iPod for the music I knew would process me right through the feelings from anger to rage to sorrow to sadness to calm to peace to happiness.
Everything went as I suspected it would, I went through each stage or emotion and gave it its due time and appreciation, and then moved on, like I was sitting in a small boat riding down a stream. I got particularly tickled when I started jumping the gun right back to happiness, it seems that I just can't stay upset anymore. It felt like I had cocooned myself up inside a black bubble, but no matter how I tried there was no stopping light from cracking in a filling me back up with love. Which is great, I truly appreciate it. But the thing I wanted to process through, maybe find feedback on sometime, is this:
We're encouraged to grow and develop in love. Growing implies an increase in size or capacity, and developing usually refers to refining a particular something to make it better. So as we expand our being to incorporate and handle more positive energy, more love, does our soul expand permanently, increasing its capacity for everything? By this, I mean, if we were to lose our love and happiness, would the space be refilled with equal amounts of darkness or negative emotions?
Is this a risk we run when attempting to move forward to our next state of being, we increase our capacity for all things, including negatives? My worry of sorts, or more appropriately my concern, is that as we become more does our responsibility become equally greater?
I've always seen this personal transition as not solely a journey of self-realization, but also something that bore a tremendous amount of weight. I was endeavoring to change myself into something better, but though I would be the primary beneficiary, I still saw the transition as a worthwhile way to help others. A sort of 'this is what I did and how? If you're interested, I can help you do it too' thing. As we change, it is our responsibility to aid others in their attempts to change. With that in mind, I grew a little apprehensive at the ever growing depths of the disdain and malice that can arise in me. And that's what worries me. It feels like my capacity for hate is matching my capacity for love, step for step. Though I exist in love nearly all of the time, I'm worried about where I'd go if that switch was flipped and I could no longer feel love. I know the general idea is a bit irrational, but it remains nonetheless.
I wonder about an enlightened dark person, if such a thing could exist. A being in pure, absolute harmony with its nature, which just happened to totally fear/hatred based. Something that existed perfectly in balance with nothingness or death. If you get the chance, track down the film "Beyond the Black Rainbow." I saw it a few months ago at a film festival with my brother and cousin. In it were all my fears of enlightenment, about how the process once began will run its course to the end, change a person permanently, and not necessarily for the better.About how there are no shortcuts worth taking and that a soul unprepared cannot endure the transition. The old 'stare into the abyss long enough it stares back into you' routine. It raised my concerns that the bad aspects of myself, the blemishes on my soul, won't be wiped away when I move forward but be reinforced or amplified, become more pronounced or harder to overcome.
I've been very hesitant to finish or post this entry, because of fear. Fear or what people may think or say, how I'll be judged. But, as I reflect on it, on this whole post and my apprehension of it, I can feel my doubts slowly melting away. I know, as a flawed being, that I cannot be truly perfect. What speaks most of my character, the strength of my soul, is not the absence of flaws or negative traits, but how I endeavor to overcome them. The desire to do good, even though I'm aware of the alternatives, and the choice to continuously strive to make the right decisions and do the best I can for me and others makes me who I am. This determination, perseverance, light...these are the things I will exemplify, whenever I move forward.
-M
Monday, December 3, 2012
Free Your Ambitious Mind
It's times like these I wish I had a real following, because as much as I use this outlet as a place to vent out my thoughts on various topics, I'd love for it to be a forum for the creation of positive discussion. Ah well, maybe one day.
I've been trying to wrap my head around something new lately and I don't believe I'm doing very well with it. The idea is, as stated in today's title, freeing myself from my ambitious mind. I think I'm struggling with it conceptually as well as practically. How do we free ourselves of ambition and continue to do anything? Does the definition of ambition here carry with it an alternate definition? Well, I guess let's start by looking it up!
am-bi-tious [am-bish-uhs]
adjective
1. having ambition; eagerly desirous of achieving or obtaining success, power, wealth, a specific goal, etc.
2. showing or caused by ambition.
3. strongly desirous; eager.
4. requiring exceptional effort, ability, etc.
Well, in parts of #1 and all of #3, we can see the negatives created by ambition. Maybe that's the twist my head isn't getting around, that perhaps ambition as a concept has been usurped by more materialistic or impure goals. This one will be particularly difficult for me, and I imagine will continue to be this way, because I simply can't see how you get rid of your goals and not simply turn into a lump on the couch...yet!
Well, let's try and see if we can't get around this. If ambition is the root of our motivation, our desire to obtain X, ambition cannot truly be bad for us, because through our ambition we can further realize our true selves. We frame our being by what we set out to do. So maybe, the error isn't in having ambition, but defining ourselves in the successful pursuit of that ambition? Perhaps our motivations for ambition, the underlying 'why we want what we want' also creates disharmony. I've written on achievement before and about how crucial I feel it is for the human experience. But there, like here, I believe the harm comes not from the act but the intent and value.
To elaborate, perhaps it is the reasons why we attempt to better ourselves that corrupt our path. If we set out to get a well-paying job in order to have money so that we can make our lives more comfortable, that would be fine. Our being is enhanced by the effort and our lives made better by the fruits of our labor. We only consider what is best for ourselves, and we define what is comfortable, and what we do with that comfort is up to our own discretion. Now, if we set out for the same job in order to have the same money so that we can flaunt our comfortable lifestyle in the faces of others, we've strayed from the path. Now our focus isn't on achieving for the benefits to ourselves, but the benefit to ourselves is viewed in the light of how it grieves someone else. And maybe that's the root of this "Ambitious Mind" that requires freedom from. Ambition is a self-motivated and self-realized beast, sure other people can comment on how accomplished you are or are not, but it should boil down to you. Your ambitions should be your own, and the goals of those ambitions should equally pertain to you.
Each day we need to strive to set out and accomplish what we feel is important to ourselves, and each day we should weigh the success of our endeavors by our own standards, not those imposed by society at large or even close friends and family. Freedom from ambition may actually become freedom from the fear of failure then, and this freedom from fear of failure will allow us greater personal growth. Each day we can look at what was done, not what is left undone or yet to be started. Focus on the steps taken, not on the steps left ahead of us. This fear, this apprehension, attached with ambition, that ambition is something that needs to be proved to and validated by everyone else is what we really need to free ourselves from. There is no true failure to a spirit willing to continue through all opposition, the only failure comes from deciding to give up before we have decided for ourselves that it is the right time to stop.
I think I may be getting a decent grip on this now that I've laid it out in front of me. It's funny how this, like several articles and books I've read, have all started blurring into the same general concept: freedom from fear, live in love. I've also found myself giggling at just how many times I read those same lines in all these different pieces in the voice of Yoda, (Fear is the path to the darkside. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering..) I love Star Wars too, as an aside from this discussion. Just know, while looking up the quote to make sure I got it right, I found this as well:
which of course is another matter entirely, but again resonates strongly with the things I believe to be true now. Anyway, it is this fear which pollutes us in a very real sense. Fear leads our bodies to stress, an intangible monster of our own imagination which creates literal, physiological response in our bodies. These stress reactions create a bodily state that is more susceptible to negative thoughts because it alters the very chemical states of our brains and bodies. Each successive stress reaction makes the next one that much more likely, and that much more pronounced. Our bodies begin to swim in these chemicals which keep us in this depressed state. Our bodies wear out, our psyche is strained, we get sick and the cycle further propagates.
Fear is our true enemy here, the root of our problems. Only through Love can we overcome fear, but sadly in this world, in our societies, Love is not the thing it should be. We treat Love as a precious commodity (which it is), something so rare it may never be obtained by some of us (which it is not!!). We attribute Love to being attached to material expression to further cheapen its immense, soulful quality. We are taught that you can only Love so many people in so many specific ways. We are cultured away from Love, but everyday we're reminded of what we should fear. To keep the quote train going:
I've been trying to wrap my head around something new lately and I don't believe I'm doing very well with it. The idea is, as stated in today's title, freeing myself from my ambitious mind. I think I'm struggling with it conceptually as well as practically. How do we free ourselves of ambition and continue to do anything? Does the definition of ambition here carry with it an alternate definition? Well, I guess let's start by looking it up!
am-bi-tious [am-bish-uhs]
adjective
1. having ambition; eagerly desirous of achieving or obtaining success, power, wealth, a specific goal, etc.
2. showing or caused by ambition.
3. strongly desirous; eager.
4. requiring exceptional effort, ability, etc.
Well, in parts of #1 and all of #3, we can see the negatives created by ambition. Maybe that's the twist my head isn't getting around, that perhaps ambition as a concept has been usurped by more materialistic or impure goals. This one will be particularly difficult for me, and I imagine will continue to be this way, because I simply can't see how you get rid of your goals and not simply turn into a lump on the couch...yet!
To elaborate, perhaps it is the reasons why we attempt to better ourselves that corrupt our path. If we set out to get a well-paying job in order to have money so that we can make our lives more comfortable, that would be fine. Our being is enhanced by the effort and our lives made better by the fruits of our labor. We only consider what is best for ourselves, and we define what is comfortable, and what we do with that comfort is up to our own discretion. Now, if we set out for the same job in order to have the same money so that we can flaunt our comfortable lifestyle in the faces of others, we've strayed from the path. Now our focus isn't on achieving for the benefits to ourselves, but the benefit to ourselves is viewed in the light of how it grieves someone else. And maybe that's the root of this "Ambitious Mind" that requires freedom from. Ambition is a self-motivated and self-realized beast, sure other people can comment on how accomplished you are or are not, but it should boil down to you. Your ambitions should be your own, and the goals of those ambitions should equally pertain to you.
Each day we need to strive to set out and accomplish what we feel is important to ourselves, and each day we should weigh the success of our endeavors by our own standards, not those imposed by society at large or even close friends and family. Freedom from ambition may actually become freedom from the fear of failure then, and this freedom from fear of failure will allow us greater personal growth. Each day we can look at what was done, not what is left undone or yet to be started. Focus on the steps taken, not on the steps left ahead of us. This fear, this apprehension, attached with ambition, that ambition is something that needs to be proved to and validated by everyone else is what we really need to free ourselves from. There is no true failure to a spirit willing to continue through all opposition, the only failure comes from deciding to give up before we have decided for ourselves that it is the right time to stop.
I think I may be getting a decent grip on this now that I've laid it out in front of me. It's funny how this, like several articles and books I've read, have all started blurring into the same general concept: freedom from fear, live in love. I've also found myself giggling at just how many times I read those same lines in all these different pieces in the voice of Yoda, (Fear is the path to the darkside. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering..) I love Star Wars too, as an aside from this discussion. Just know, while looking up the quote to make sure I got it right, I found this as well:
which of course is another matter entirely, but again resonates strongly with the things I believe to be true now. Anyway, it is this fear which pollutes us in a very real sense. Fear leads our bodies to stress, an intangible monster of our own imagination which creates literal, physiological response in our bodies. These stress reactions create a bodily state that is more susceptible to negative thoughts because it alters the very chemical states of our brains and bodies. Each successive stress reaction makes the next one that much more likely, and that much more pronounced. Our bodies begin to swim in these chemicals which keep us in this depressed state. Our bodies wear out, our psyche is strained, we get sick and the cycle further propagates.
Fear is our true enemy here, the root of our problems. Only through Love can we overcome fear, but sadly in this world, in our societies, Love is not the thing it should be. We treat Love as a precious commodity (which it is), something so rare it may never be obtained by some of us (which it is not!!). We attribute Love to being attached to material expression to further cheapen its immense, soulful quality. We are taught that you can only Love so many people in so many specific ways. We are cultured away from Love, but everyday we're reminded of what we should fear. To keep the quote train going:
"If you're free you'll never see the walls,
If your head is clear you'll never free fall,
If you're right you'll never fear the wrong,
If your head is high you'll never fear at all."
Exploder by Audioslave
We are taught to limit things: to limit ourselves and our relationships; to limit what we feel and why we feel it. We are taught that the very best thing we can experience, the absolute best of Humanity, Love, is something rare. Love is as omnipresent as the air we breathe, as the water in our bodies. It starts with loving yourself, knowing yourself. Through that we can love and know each other. In this state of being, we no longer have to worry about overcoming ambition, fear, hate, greed, envy, whatever...we'll have already freed ourselves from these things.
-M
P.S. I apologize for the formatting errors throughout, I can't seem to copy and paste into this without it screwing everything up.
P.S. I apologize for the formatting errors throughout, I can't seem to copy and paste into this without it screwing everything up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)